What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
I’m elf-taught.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
You’re wine in a million.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear