What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.