What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
You’re my pot of gold.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?