Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Your love will always be up to par.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Herb your enthusiasm.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Every piece of you is sweet.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.