What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Let me plant one on ya!
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I hope for world peas.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Sips getting real.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.