I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
I'm Havana dream about you.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
I bet you’re really flexible.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.