Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
I dig you a hole lot.