“Every mile is two in winter.”
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Do you like free samples?
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out