Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Water you doing, my friend?
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad