What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.