What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Can February March? No. But April May.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Icy what you did there.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.