“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.