Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?