It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.