We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
You just caused a heat wave.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.