How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Want to lock our bikes together?
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Call me on the shellphone.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*