"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
You're my purr-son.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
You’re Isaacly my type
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."