"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!