Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
You sleigh me.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.