When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Let's do lunge together
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Ants in your plants.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I like your tight end
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.