You have been running through my mind all day.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Your presents is requested.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.