What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
I’m feelin’ green.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
"Say you'll be wine."
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld