As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.