I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Irish I had better jokes.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.