What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.

What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!

A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”

What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.

My fire tonight...
Was lit!

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.

What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.

Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.

I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.

This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.

You've stolen a pizza my heart.

My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.

Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.

Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.

I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.

Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.

“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown

What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin

This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.

What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.

“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“

“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder