What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.

I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.

I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.

What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.

What's taken before you get it? Your picture.

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...

It’s a winterful day!

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.

What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown

Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.

Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death

Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool

Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.

I dig you a hole lot.

Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.

Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

I didn't know angels flew this low.

Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry

You’re sweeter than fructose.

Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.

What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'

Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.

What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.

I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.

Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!

"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.

I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.