What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Your good seed for the day.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.