What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.