Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Case in punt
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!