While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Can I be your next varietal?
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"