Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
"Love the wine you're with."
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."