"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.