"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"

What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!

Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.

Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.

What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.

You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.

What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.

How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.

If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.

What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!

What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!

Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!

Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.

Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.

“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi

Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.

Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”

Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt

My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.

Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear

Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”

Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.

"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.

What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.