What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Nice life preservers.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!