“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Fairies just wand to have fun.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
I’ll never leaf you.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
"Some people have no guts."
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.