What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.