What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
I only have ice for you.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
"Yoda one for me."
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!