What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
You’re my lucky charm.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin