What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
You met all of my koala-fications
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
I'd drink your bathwater.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.