You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.

What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.

I'm the pun King of Halloween.

We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

- Ryan Reynolds.

Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.

What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.

Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.

Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.

What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?

What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.

“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”

– Alexandra Guarnaschelli

Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.

Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O

I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY

What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.

Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.

Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”

Fairies just spell trouble.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.

Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."

I couldn't chair less!

Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.

The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.

All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.

Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.

What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.