My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
I beg your garden?
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."