I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Wish upon a starfish.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!