It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I feel like we're in tune
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams