"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I find my core strength in you.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”