The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Dublin over in laughter.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.