A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.

Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”

What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.

“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.

Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.

Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.

How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".

I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

What is the result of an art competition? A draw.

What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!

What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee

How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!

What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!

What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown

What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.

You are pitcher perfect.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."

How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.

How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.

So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.

Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.

Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:

When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.