My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.