The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.