I’m soy
into you.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I love you deerly.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.