What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
When God made you, he was just showing off.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference