Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!