I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
There’s no trick in these pants.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.