The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
I want you. I knead you.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.