How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.

I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.

This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.

I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.

When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry

“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman

My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.

Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.

It was otter chaos.

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick

Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.

What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina

What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"

"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."

What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.

"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin

How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks

What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”

Where do cows get together?
The meet market.

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!

What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!

Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.

The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.

"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman

You have me greening from ear to ear.

Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.

What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr

What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.