Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
You have been running through my mind all day.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”