What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Broken pencils are pointless.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser