The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.