May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Who’s your paddy?
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!