In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
I need to take this picture for my instayam
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
That’s a-may-zing!
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.