Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.

What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!

How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.

Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!

I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.

A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.

The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.

Can I buy you an Easter Egg?

What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.

I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?

I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!

What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!

Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.

My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer

What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.

"Run like you stole something."
Unknown

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.

Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.

What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.