Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.