I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Icy what you did there.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!