“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14

How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.

Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.

What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.

Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

They call me Ace, because you just got served.

I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger

Please excuse my resting beach face.

What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.

We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?

“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan

What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.

What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.

Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.

My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar

Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.

Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.

Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.

What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.