This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
I loaf you.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!