What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
All clover the world.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
"It's not me, it's you!"
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I’m feelin’ green.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
You're my purr-son.