This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
I’m rooting for you!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.