What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.