I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Want to go for a ride?
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Every piece of you is sweet.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Ice simply love it when it snows!
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!