I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
That look soots you.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Gold riddance.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
This is snow laughing matter!
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.