What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
I made a snap decision to watch football today
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
You have a pizza my heart.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.