Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
I beg your garden?
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You snow the drill.