The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
when I’m with you.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
I whale always love you.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Beer-lieve it or not!
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.