Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
In Ireland, I call the shots.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!