What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Just don't carrot all."
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.