What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
French, French Revolution
You really flipturn me on.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
"Time wounds all heels."
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.