Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
"Read between the wines."
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
To get to the other tide.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.