What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
You really mermaid my day.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew