Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Where does bad light go? PRISM!