How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Birch, please.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.