What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.