Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Sorry, I'm octopied.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
I sulfur when you argon.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.