What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What a spud muffin.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!